I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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