I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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