I puked a lego.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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