jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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