I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
false alarm. still invincible.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
this is an emotional support booty call
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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