go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
