"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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