I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
