It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
