so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
