and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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