So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
