I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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