Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
