Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
