i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize