the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
