By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You are the jesus of drinking
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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