I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
