I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
