My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He? As in you personified your dick?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
