ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
