apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize