Dual....:-)
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
