I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
