sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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