so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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