Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
