There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
