my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
