Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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