1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
