Please, let me fuck your mom
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize