You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
