This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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