My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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