They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You ate ashes out of my bong
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize