you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
