you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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