I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
