I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
