I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
