hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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