when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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