Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
