I got chris browned last night
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
