When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
