I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
