Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
