Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
