So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
