STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
