Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
