a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize