I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
