i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
