Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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