i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
