i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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