Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
