So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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