The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
