dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
