My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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