it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
