I think my vagina is haunted
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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