he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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